Glimpse into Motivation Monday - week 7 2014

Welcome to the new blog series... Motivation Mondays! To get things started, here is an idea to think about this week....

 "Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin.
Beginning makes the conditions perfect."

 

A big part of having a chronic illness is waiting. Waiting for answers, waiting for results, waiting for improvements. It could be easy to fall into the trap of putting your life on pause, and just waiting. As I often say though, this is our life, we only have this one chance, and it is up to you whether you let your illness become you, or whether you let it only be a part of you. If we wait for that miraculous moment when we feel healthy again, we may have let a great chunk of our life ramble past us like a tumble weed. Maybe you can not do the exact thing that you want to do, but find an option that makes you happy. For example, I can not work at the moment due to my health. I love my work as a nurse, so in the meantime, I keep myself happy learning more, and reading and writing about health. In doing so, I have discovered a new path for myself and love the idea of helping people improve their overall wellness through improved nutrition and lifestyle choices. Find your option! Begin, and keep happy and strong, and things will get better!

If you are healthy and thankfully free of a chronic health issue, this still applies to you! What are you putting off which you could do now? What if you put off that dream job until you are more confident, or when the kids are older, or when the sun, moon and earth are at a 45 degree angle, and you find yourself in an unexpected situation that keeps you from that dream job?! Act now. You don't know what could change down the track. Be brave, begin, and the happiness and self love that comes from beginning will make you strong enough to keep going.

Do not wait; begin. 

Glimpse into the New Year

Today is New Year's Day. A day typically dedicated to reflection and statements of intentions. Every New Year for the past 3 years, I have made New Year's resolutions. These have all revolved around my health and improving its state of deterioration, which had begun to speed up between 2008 and 2010. Each year, I felt more determined than the previous to work harder at finding out what was wrong with me, how to fix it, and go about doing so. And at the conclusion of each year, I was left feeling varying levels of failure because of these resolutions. (Although, 2013 has probably revealed a lot more potential than other years, even if it has been one of the worst for my body.) So this year, as 2013 began to wrap up, and 2014 loomed closer, I decided to not make a resolution. I felt I did not want the self imposed pressure, when I already know that I am doing my best to improve my health. More specifically, I didn't want that added feeling of failure when reflecting on previous resolutions, when my health battles are frustrating enough.

However, on the day of New Year's Eve, as I read people's statements, and listened to them explore their purpose and decisions, I began to think that maybe I do need a New Year's Resolution. After all, it is but a goal, and I constantly have small, medium and large goals in my life, which all of you with chronic health problems will understand too well. So after mulling over what I need to improve or appreciate or stop doing or start doing, I came to this conclusion. In 2014, I will just be.

          ~ Let go. Just be. ~

I am constantly over thinking things in my head, partly due to having too much time to over think, partly due to the frustrating dead-end feeling that comes with chronic illness. I find myself unnecessarily worrying, or unnecessarily being frustrated or saddened by some one's actions, or building something up and then being unnecessarily disappointed when it doesn't happen that way. Chronic illnesses takes what you thought was normal, and throws it up in the air and causes it to land in a million different directions and angles. I have said it before and I will say it again; we need to allow ourselves to step out from the dark cloud that chronic illness is, and enjoy what we do have. Live in the moment. We don't get to do this "life" thing twice (as far as we know!), and it seems ridiculous to let it slip past us, while we let illness tarnish our thoughts, alter our plans and change our happiness. Obviously, chronic illness comes in all shapes and sizes, and inevitably our thoughts, plans and happiness will be effected. Also, chronic illness requires determination, motivation, strength and perseverance to battle, so I am not saying we can just sit back and hope all will go the way we would like.
However, somehow, in the blur of pain, confusion, frustration, and sickness, we need to find a way to see the good in a moment, not just the discomfort. In 2014, I need to, we need to, just be.
           Happy New Year!

Glimpse into my thoughts about chronic illness

I have chosen to write 5 things I hate about having a chronic illness, 5 things that help put a positive spin on chronic illness, and 5 things I still need to learn from or about living with chronic illness. I hope this helps people feel less alone, get some ideas, or understand other people's situation...

Glimpse into the misconceptions surrounding pushing through chronic illness

This morning, my mum and I were talking about people's perceptions of you when you have a chronic health problem. I know that I have touched on this before, but when you are living with an ongoing issue, it is tough enough without having to deal with people's misconceptions and judgements. We came to the conclusion that no one can really understand the situation unless they actually live through it, or are very close to someone living with it. Mum is the closest person to me in this process, and she even admits to sometimes not understanding, but she truly gets the roller coaster, the hard times, and the frustrations.

The most difficult thing I find that people don't understand, is that some days I can push through, and others I can't. I am one of the lucky ones. Some people with chronic fatigue, pain and fainting issues are in bed all day, every day, and basic things become mammoth tasks. Yes, I can sometimes have a couple of hours where I can put on a brave face, smile, and have fun, or do gentle chores. But what some people don't see, or don't choose to acknowledge, is that the process of getting myself ready, out of the house and to that point was a huge effort. They also do not see that during those smiles I am often feeling bad, and afterwards, I rest on the couch or in bed for hours or days. Sometimes, I do have to cancel plans, because I just feel too bad that there is no pushing through. But on days I can manage to push through, and hide my paleness and dark eyes with makeup, I don't miraculously feel 100%! Maybe that is part of the problem, because I do not voice and make known the invisible symptoms to people around me, or I will say that I am feeling better than I actually am. But I don't want to be "that sick girl who is always complaining"!

Glimpse into a life transformation

As I deal with a chronic illness that prevents me from taking part in activities that I once loved to do, I take inspiration from people who have managed to change their bodies into something amazing. Whether it is due to chronic illness, a busy and hectic lifestyle, poor choices, or a lack of resources and opportunity, there are so many reasons why people can find themselves in a body that they are less than happy with. I believe that we can all work with what we have and improve the fantastic homes that we live in - after all, it is the only one we will ever get! Whether this means that you will be able to get out of bed for a few hours a day, or whether it means taking part in an ironman, there is a level for everyone that we can aim for, and do everything in our power to reach.

I was lucky enough to interview a woman who has turned her body and life around. She describes her health in the past to have been appalling. She spent years heavily binge drinking two to three times a week, as well as smoking two to seven cigarettes a day, plus an extra pack on a night out. She ate fast and processed foods regularly and took no notice of what was in the food, such as additives and sugars. Her name is Gabrielle, and she decided, while sitting in the smoking area of a pub, intoxicated, that it was time to make a change. She is not only improving her body for her health, but will be competing in the INBA 2013 QLD State Championships for Body Building. What a goal!

**********

This is where Gabe found her body to be when she decided enough was enough! These are photos that have motivated her to keep going with her change.

Glimpse into our driving forces

I have a post, about dealing with insomnia, ready to put up on my blog, but right now, as I lie on the couch feeling very unwell, and needing to distract myself from my body, I find myself writing another.
I am worried that I am not reacting well to the latest medication addition. I really hope not. It is hard to tell sometimes, whether I am just having a particularly bad week in the life of being in this body, or whether the symptoms are caused by something else! So it will be off to get blood tests done soon, to see if anything can be identified.

Days like these make me think about what gets us going. What pulls our eyelids open, enables us to swing our aching legs around to the side of the bed, and put one slow foot in front of another?

Glimpse into listening to the lessons

Having a body that is not working to its full ability is frustrating beyond description. To begin to explain the feelings that it creates, the words sadness, disappointment, anger, self pity, jealousy, self loathing, and disbelief spring to mind. However, it can also have a positive side. Sometimes, in my low moments, I think of the upbeat things I say about this faulty body of mine, and I roll my eyes at my pathetic optimism! But as hard as it is to see, there has to be something good to come from these situations.

 Illness, be my mentor.

Glimpse into the Boston Marathon bombing

 

We need to stop waking up like this; waking to news from overseas of something horrible happening.

I woke this morning to the sound of my parents' phone ringing. It was missed, and then it rang again. I heard Dad get up and answer it, and say hello to my aunt. Then after a little while I heard him say ''Oh my gawd", the words and tone he uses when something bad shocks him. He said this and then walked downstairs, still talking to my aunt, so I was left unable to hear if something was wrong. I rolled over and found a text on my phone from Mum, saying my brother and his fiance were ok, so that made me get out of bed, needing to know what was going on. I am glad at least that I was staying at my parents' house.

Glimpse into life's forks on Monday April 8th, 2013

As I sit here at my laptop, the rain bellowing above me on the tin roof, the beautiful sounds of Vivaldi, Handel and their fellow genius composers accompanying my keyboard taps beside me, and the contents from my mug of hot tea warming my belly, I am contemplating that we call life, and the intention behind it. Deep, I know. Maybe a little too deep for a Monday afternoon. But what is one to contemplate when alone on a rainy day? I have no other plans for the day, let alone the week, due to unpredictable health issues that can one minute give my body its freedom, and the next have it falling deeply between the couch cushions, hoping the world will stop its noisy spinning.
Early last year something happened to some people who are very special to me, and it really made me question my beliefs of the notion that there is something, someone, bigger than us all, leading and guiding us through our journey. As most people do at some stage or another, I questioned that if there is such a being, then how can it bear to have us all suffer so much.
After the past few months however, I suddenly feel like so much has changed for me that I can not ignore the idea that something is guiding me. Everything that I have worked for, planned, lived and fought for was placed in a big metaphorical cardboard box, and shaken until there were only shattered splinters left inside. It feels like I had put myself on the wrong path, and someone or something was hinting and warning me, but I was ignoring its whispers, so it resorted to wiping my entire slate clean. Ignore me will you, it said. Take that.
So I suddenly find myself at the fork of a new path. The old one stretched temptingly to the left, the new one panning frighteningly to the right. It is impossible to ignore the upheaval and pass it off as a bump in the road.
I have decided I will take the road to the right. It is horrifying and exhilarating. But what I am learning is that when that fork does slam us in the face with its sharp prongs, we don't have to smash the old path up and throw it in a giant skip. We can take the pieces we choose with us. We can pick the memories, the lessons, the hopes and the people, and pack them up with us in our bags, and wear them on our backs, and their weight will keep us grounded and warned, warmed and strengthened.

Glimpse into what I can eat

This post is directed at my friends and family, as requested by my friends Joel & Junna, and is basically so Joel stops asking me what I can eat every time he sees me!! ;-) 
To all those reading who have fructose malabsorption, my list may help you explore your intolerance. Be aware though that everyone has different tolerance levels to different fructose containing foods. So please experiment for yourself; what works for me could make you unwell, and vise versa!


To narrow it down, the list of what I can not eat first!....:

Gluten (not even a whiff!; staying clear due to my autoimmune condition)
Grains (a little corn from time to time is ok. Quinoa and rice are fine)
Dairy (a very small amount very occasionally; i.e. the amount in gluten free bread is ok)
Eggs ("                                                 as above                                                                   ")
Peanuts
High fructose foods

Fructose is where it gets tricky!!

There are some foods that contain such high amounts of fructose that they are not worth even a lick! (or the other FODMAPs which cause reactions in people with fructose malabsorption {Fermentable Oligosaccharides, Disaccharides, Monosaccharides and Polyols - these are sugar molecules in foods}).
I can not eat: honey, wheat, onion, garlic, artificial and natural sweeteners, high fructose corn syrup, dried fruits, pistachios, stone fruits, apple, pear, inulin (artificial fibre).


Moving on to the foods that I can eat!......

There are foods that I can have in small to tiny amounts, watching what I combine them with so as to not OD on FODMAPs! (For example, even safe fruits need to be small serves, spaced 2-3 hours from other fructose foods).
These are: mushrooms, beetroot, broccoli, brussel sprouts, cabbage, tomatoes, leeks (green part only), lettuce, zucchini, green beans, asparagus, avocado, celery, fresh figs, dried cranberries and blueberries, melons, grapes, caster sugar, nuts, coconut, corn flour, Powerade drink, dry wine, cranberry juice, pineapple juice, lemonade.

Then there are foods that I can eat fairly freely, but still need to be aware of amounts and combinations! These are: potato, carrots, sweet potato, pumpkin, spinach, cucumber, berries, lemons, limes, bananas, pineapple, grapefruit, citrus fruits, kiwi fruit, passion fruit,  rhubarb, dried pineapple, quiona, gluten free pastas, rice, gluten free flours, rice flour, almond meal, dark chocolate, dairy free chocolate (with caster sugar, not sweeteners), dextrose, rice syrup, vegemite, Lucozade drink, vodka, rum, rice milk, decaffeinated teas.

Then the foods that I don't need to monitor amounts with (not any more than anyone else has to anyway!):
All meat and fish. (Slow cooked, stewed lamb seems to be no good for me though).
Yep, this one is a big list.... ;-)


So....clear as mud?! Yep, I am the worst possible dinner guest. Ever.

Essentially, I am a gluten and peanut free, low fructose consuming vegan who eats meat!

Glimpse into hang in there

It was blood test day on Friday and then back to the doc on Monday. Things are still going very slowly. I have had to confirm more time off from work as my body is still aching, tired, weak, my gut is playing up and my brain is still dizzy, thick and cloudy.
It seems so crazy when you and your family think you have had a good day when you have been able to sit on the couch for a few hours and be on the computer, go for a 5 minute walk in the park, and chat at dinner time!! The past few days have been better than last week in that I am actually leaving my bed, but at 28 years old, I am craving the ability to do a gym class, or go to work, or go catch up with friends without stressing that I will land in a heap!!!! I think it is probably frustrating this week because there is no change in the plan with meds or anything...just keep plodding on.
However, my parents are amazing. They pull me through. My other family members keep me going from afar overseas. Friends tell me to keep going too. And I keep thinking this week, I don't have a life threatening illness. It is really frustrating at the moment, and maybe it will be for a while, but even though I can't do everything I want to do, there is hope one day that I will be able to, and I have so much love from people sent my way that I am planning to enjoy what I have, and not dwell on what I don't have.

I watched the movie 50/50 this week. It is about a young man with cancer, and I found it a really good thing for me to watch. Not only is it funny and well told/acted, it shows the frustrations of someone who is sick, how people around that person can help and how it is hard for those people too. Lots of laughs and motivation!

Glimpse into advice, support and love

I have received some great advice and support in reaction to setting up this blog. I thought I'd share some of the thoughts people have shared. I have only used comments people made public on facebook or this blog; I have not posted privately sent messages.

• I don't have the food intolerances but absolutely feel your pain with Hashimoto's. It took multiple times of months off work and getting to know how my body coped with it to get my head around it all. I hope writing your blog helps you as much as others x

• Seeing an endocrinologist who had a better understanding of the ideal blood levels (lower end of normal) was great. Apparently people can be walking around 10 times more out of range than me but I'd end up bed ridden not that far out...took my GP a while to accept it I think but now it's fine. My dose took a lot of tweaking and is a bit odd but I got there. Do your own reading and trust your instincts..even when you're sleeping 20 hours a day lol
 

• The first bout I was off for 3 months, then again for 2 so I had drained all my sick leave and ended up using some long service leave. Miserable!! I was always thankful I didn't have the weight gain or a hideous goitre lol. The fatigue is crazy and having to ask for so much help from others was really difficult when you are so used to being independent. (My son) was in early primary school at the time. It is a massive mental adjustment when you can't see the end it sight. I was forever grateful to those around me for their love and help - embrace what ever is offered!

• Great idea! I think it will be therapeutic for you and also great for the people around you to have a better understanding of what you are going through.

• Geez, that's full-on. when were you diagnosed, and are you happy with your endocrinologist?
 
• I have hashimotos! It was diagnosed in 2002 after over 12 months of massive weight gain and being told "you're a new mum, it is normal to be tired". At that stage I was needing over 14 hours sleep a day! If only they had just done a blood test earlier! It has taken forever to lose the weight and even after all these years, my levels are still all over the place. I'm currently on 200mcg oroxine per day. It is very frustrating! Good on you for setting up a blog!
• Check out your Super, you may qualify for income protection if you are running out of leave. QSuper pays 75% of your wage for up to two years.
 
• After reading your blog, I feel so greatful for my health & shouldn't take it for granted. I can't believe how you've been dealt a lousy card & hope that your levels stabilize asap & stay that way. Take care xx

   
• Geez sounds like it is absolutely knocking you for 6. :( You should definitely get onto an endo though ASAP... will be probably a 3mth wait to get in but it is their area of expertise. I have one or two names that are excellent.  Even though there are great GP's out there, it might be a bit complex for them to totally understand but more likely they may not know the full spectrum of effects, treatments and interactions (e.g. with pituatary).  Do it!! :D
 
• I basically went through 4 GP's, a neuro, an endo and then another neuro to get a diagnosis that made some sense and could be tested. Something totally different but you learn to challenge GP's, learn about the systems in the body and learn about how symptoms can lead you down a particular path... And sometimes you just need to be sitting in front of the right professional. Good luck, keep at it and keep positive!
 
• Although its early days, I would really encourage you to see an Endocrinologist...given you have other health issues, are so young and are pre-babies. After my second blow out I asked my GP for a referral even though i was afraid of offending her! I only had to see the Endo once but would have to have gone back if I had more babies. They also screened me for a whole range of auto immune diseases..once you have one you have a greater chance of others. Maybe you could just ask your GP what they think and when the timing seems right :)

•  I feel very lucky as my Hashi's never ran my health off into a ditch. Hang in there! It can only improve right!! Xox

• This blog is a brilliant idea, you will have so much support and information from fellow sufferers , a very positive move . Well done you ....xxxx

• Reading your blog... You are an amazing and strong person and I hope the new year will be much much better for you xo

• Hey, great blog... though I'm so sorry to hear about the awful things you've been going through. I was diagnosed as a celiac about 10 years ago and food intolerances are no fun. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be dealing with everything. Stay strong and if you ever feel like a chat or whatever, shoot me a message :) x

• Sounds like a great idea to blog about and very inspirational for others like myself, who would have no idea about such a disease. Best wishes for good health, a great blog and for the treatment to work!

• Hey, just read ur blog about Hashimoto's. Glad u finally have a diagnosis but sucks its Hashimoto's. It can be a hard roller coaster to ride but hopefully your endocrinologist can get better control of your levels so you can regain some level of normality. Take care, rest up and know we're thinking of you! Hope u feel better soon!

• Hey, hows everything going, I hope you are starting to feel better, havent seen you for ages, and saw you now have a diagnosis, just want you to feel better, its been hard for you being ill for so long, I hope now they may be able to help you get back to your vibrant self xxxx

• Well written way of describing Hashimoto's ... I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's in 2006 and it was hell. Slowly killed my thyroid so now it doesn't do anything at all anymore but at least it's no longer a roller coaster. Hopefully now you know it's Hashimoto's they can control it for you so the roller coaster isn't as horrid! Take care!!
 
•  I hope 2013 brings u better health, happy new year to u
 
• Happy New Year, may the fairies bring you good health in 2013 ....if it's any consolation we'll be asleep by 2200 as well xx

• Crossing fingers toes and endocrines and enzymes for you to get well in the new year xxxx

• Hope the new year brings improvements for you. Keep fighting the good fight. Happy New Year and goodnight x
 
• Hang in there...amazing things can happen as your body heals :)

 

Glimpse into supporting the loved ones who are supporting you

I have written about how loved ones can support someone who is sick; a vital aspect in your recovery. Today I want to write about how the one who is sick can help those people who are providing the support.
I find that it is easy to fall into the trap of self pity, and who wants to be around a self pitying sack of bones?! Yes, maybe every inch of your body is hurting, your heart is pounding, your head is spinning, you feel like your lunch may reappear, and at any moment your whole abdomen will cave in on itself in a volcano-like erruption! Sure, I think most people would agree, this feeling would justify ripping someone's head off because they don't do what you want!! But is that really going to help?! Because, that is only going to make them walk off in a huff, and you are left feeling like the lava is errupting all by yourself. Not helpful. Lava errupting from your chest is definetly something you want to go through with someone else!!
Does anyone know any good techniques to get through these situations? Unfortunately, making all those around you into mind readers is not an option.
I am trying to remember to take a breath, to have a quick chat to myself, and remind myself they are trying to help and that even though it is going to take a lot of energy to summon the words to explain what you want, it is going to be a lot easier than trying to apologise later. And not even that; why is it fair to make someone you love feel like crap because you feel like a live volcano. (Sure, easier said than done!).
Someone I know who has a long term illness, takes this approach. She gives herself an allotted time period to feel self pity, sadness, anger, and frustration. She lets herself dwell and be indulgent in the feeling. And then she stops, and she gets on with life. I am always in awe of this, but if you can practise this, then it is really a good way to deal with it. You can't stop those feelings completely; that is not healthy either, so by letting yourself have them and then taking a breath and getting on with things, is going to make you feel a bit stronger.
Helping those people understand what you feel is also another thing I think will help. I know if I wasn't going through this, I would not understand the feeling of having absolutely no energy. I don't mean, gee I am tired, I have not stopped all day kind of no energy. I mean the kind of no energy that means even lying down you feel exhausted; that just rolling over in your bed needs determination. So sometimes, words are even a hassle. Even experiencing it, I am surprised sometimes. The effort required to do the most basic things can be massive. When your brain is churning and it is hard to follow a conversation, it is so difficult to put the words together to explain something, or to talk nicely to someone!
Let people understand the feeling of frustration and disapointment you feel about being in this siutation too. When you feel sad that you can't go out to a party or a dinner invite because you feel too sick, then you need to talk to someone about how that makes you feel, and that you would really like some company to make up for it (instead of saying nothing and then feeling angry that they went out and left you alone). Sure, there needs to be something from their end too, as it isn't your fault you are sick and they need to think about sacrifising a little so that you can be a little happier (and then you will be nicer and then they will be happier too!!).
Another thing that I think is important is to give as much as you can on your good days. Don't over do it and wipe yourself out of course, but if you get a good day, or a few hours or even a twenty minute slot when you feel a bit more reasonable, then have a nice chat where you can be focused on the other person, or give lots of smiles, or go out and do something. Whether this is with your partner, your family or with friends, they will appreciate seeing the real you, and you will feel good for it too. Take advantage of the good moments and not just for your benefit but for them too.
Obviously, these suggestions are easier said than put into practise. But by not taking the people who are supporting you into account, the fall out can be monumental, and can affect your health too. They are your partner/family/friends because you love them and they love you; ultimately you all need to remember that and not let any illness beat that.

Glimpse into supporting your unwell loved ones

When you are sick for a long time, you are subject to such a wide range of reactions from people.

Over the years, I have had countless hours of sick leave, including having to leave shifts early. My fellow employees and employers have always been amazing though. They are so understanding and helpful, even when I didn't know what was making me unwell; I guess that is the upside of working in the health profession.

People who say "it is ok, you'll be right", think they are being supportive, but when you feel like death warmed up, have missed weeks of work and haven't done a fun, social outing for months, it is beyond frustrating and blood boiling to hear! Whether this is based on their experience of thyroid conditions through friends or family (possibly not even Hashimoto's), or they make this observation with no knowledge or experience whatsoever of what you are going through, or even if they themselves have Hashimoto's, it can be so upsetting. If they are one of the lucky ones who, although they may have suffered from the effects of Hashimoto's, now take medication and have had no issues getting the correct dose, then they don't understand what it is like to feel the frustration and be on the roller coaster of trying to find treatment. I in no way resent them for this; I am so happy for them that they don't feel this frustration; that they have been so lucky to get on top of it, but they definitely aren't helping you with their comments!

You also get people who are amazing; who help you with all the little things that seem like nothing when you're well, but are massive feats of endurance when you are unwell. Someone who empties the dishwasher for you is an angel in disguise. A visitor who drops in, makes you a cuppa and sits on the couch with you for a chat and then leaves before you need to say you need to sleep is an unbelievable contribution to your sanity! Even a text to see how are you, or an offer to pick you up and take you to their couch for a change of scenery is unforgettable. The little things are definitely the most important. Support your unwell loved one by thinking about the things they need so they don't have to ask.

I have found that the loss of independence impacts on your life so much. I can't drive at the moment because I have been too dizzy and lethargic. This means that I spend so much time indoors, often alone. It means things like getting groceries and seeing other people are hard (these type of things are also affected in that I struggle to actually do groceries etc).
It also means that you are always asking for help, which can be bad for your self esteem, and your happiness. I have had several issues with people wanting me to tell them how I want them to help and what I want them to do. That makes you feel like they don't really want to help because if they had no issue then surely they would just skip their dinner out to sit with you while you're in pain, or they would just go out and get you food if they can see that the fridge is empty. So then you say don't worry about it, and then end up lonely and hungry!! So the key is, please remember the little things when you know someone who is unwell!

Glimpse into your loved one's Hashimoto's disease

Hello there,

My name is Hashimoto's disease, and your loved one is my host. She does me well. When I attack her thyroid and she produces too much hormone, I feed on her. I drain the energy from her, I make her feel anxious and jittery, and just for thrills, I make her dizzy and I upset her stomach. I make her muscles ache all over, I make it hard for her to move. I make her eyes blurry, and I stop her from having any fun with friends. And then when she runs out of hormone, well I don't like that, so I make her feel flat, and tired, and sad. She struggles to get out of bed, and if she manages that, I make her feel so weak and nauseous that she can't go to work. I enjoy what I do; one week I attack, another I rest; it is fun to watch her on the roller coaster.

You know that time she was crying in pain and sadness, and you left her to go to your dinner with friends thinking "she can manage, she does it all the time"? Well thanks buddy! You weakened her strength against me and helped me get a stronger foothold on her; it was just what I needed!

Remember that time she yelled at you just because your hand got in the way when she was trying to pick up those books that had fallen over? Well that wasn't her, no you fool, that was me! I was churning up her head so it was so thick and muddy it was like a mouldy fish pond. It was so hard for her to concentrate on picking up the books, that your hand just made her crazy!

And all those times she can't decide something, and just wants you to take control? Yep, me again! Her body is so tired and achey, her heart is thumping, her mind so foggy and dizzy, and her limbs so shaky, that she can't make decisions! How lame do you think I am?! She would have to be superhuman to fight through all that and give you the decisions you want!

So next time, you think it is her being angry at you and walking twenty steps behind you, please think of me! Give me the credit! I am the one who is making it hard for her to keep up with you! I am the one who is making it impossible for her to smile at you! I am the one that makes her say no to all those social occasions, and yet her friends continue to fall for it and end their friendships with her because she never comes out! I am fed up with not getting the appreciation that I deserve.

Thank you for your time. Maybe one day, I will come and visit you, and you can be my host.

Love and kisses from Hashi, your loved one's Hashimoto's disease.